The slow work of trust

 A friend recently asked me how I deal with fear of car crashes.  My answer to her was not short.  It is something that I want my children to know about as they are ready for it.  Below is my reply (with a little editing.)

You can imagine that car safety is a bit of a hot button issue for me.  And I really love that some of the jobs I get at work help automotive companies design safer cars.  You are right to guess that my answer is informed by my faith.

Let me tell you a couple of stories first to give you a little picture of the process I've stepped through.

Right after my family's accident we got a Jeep Cherokee for a family car.  We liked the size and strength of the frame.   Mom joked that if we could have bought a tank, we probably would have.

A woman from our church, Bev, in trying to comfort me, said, "When my husband died, it helped me to know that it was God's will."  The response in my head was, That's a terrible thing to say.  I believed it was impugning God.

Mom's worry response has been pretty powerful.  She once told me to be careful while walking through UD's ghetto because I could be struck on the head if some hanging tennis shoes came loose.  She is really terrified of loosing another child.  I was annoyed and realized there was no way to keep me absolutely safe, short of putting me in a padded box.

Car safety is not my only fear spot.  When I was younger I had a very powerful fear response to tornadoes.  I would get really scared on stormy nights in the summer.  As I learned more about tornadoes, my fear decreased.  They were so unbelievably powerful and unpredictable, that I realized I had no control over them.  That lack of control was actually a relief to me, because it meant that there was a limit to how much responsibility I had in protecting myself.  Sure, get in a low sheltered spot, but after that whether I live or die is in the hands of God.

After I was married, I tried reading John Piper's The Hidden Smile of God: the fruit of affliction in the lives of John Bunyan, William Cowper, and David Brainerd.  I had to put it down partway through, because I was not ready to hear about God, not only permitting pain, but wielding it like a surgeon wields a scalpel.  (I have very recently picked this book back up to try it again.)

I do have a fear response to dangers to myself and my family.  My fear usually manifests itself in worry.  Morbid, ugly, sleep-stealing worry.  Car crashes, tornadoes, hidden poisons in our food, disease...
I do not have the capacity to protect against everything.  I have to surrender myself, my husband, and my children to God.  Regularly. My prayer sounds like this, "Heavenly Father, these are my children, which you gave to me.  I know they are precious to you.  Please help me to take good care of them.  Help me teach them to know you, love you, and trust you.  I dedicate them to you."

A friend of mine has brain cancer.  She is married, has 4 small children and a 4 year life expectancy.  I prayed to ask God to destroy the cancer, because short of divine intervention, it will not go away.  Acknowledging that it might be God's choice not to heal her, one night I cried, "Lord, sometimes your will is HARD." I am very reluctant to put words into God's mouth, but I think I had an answer from him, because I thought the words, "My will is always hard," and I had a flash of a vision of Jesus on the Cross.  I was stunned to remember that God eats the hardest parts himself.

Sorry, I had to step through some of this rambling to put my thoughts into words.  I have been faced with this problem:  Being in a car (or anywhere on planet Earth, really) is dangerous and
1. Either God doesn't exist, and I'm on my own and afraid.
2. Or God does exist, but isn't in control of everything, and I'm afraid.
3. Or God exists, and is in control, and I'm...

I'm what?
Does God love me?
Does he want what is best for me?  Even through a sickening loss?

One e-mail is not big enough to consider, grieve, and step through the pain in this world.  But,

since I know that Jesus, who is more valuable to God than gold, kingdoms, earth, sun, seas, and stars - since I know that he bled and died out of compassion for me - since I know that he not only died but then came back for me to rescue me and give me hope - then I can trust that even when bad, painful, ugly things come my way that God will use them for good.

Just like any other relationship, I have to be in an ongoing and dedicated communication with Jesus (through prayer and Bible study) to trust him. 

A real fire place

Nine years ago, Steve and I were hunting for a bigger house.  One of Steve’s nonnegotiable criteria for the new home was that it must have a fireplace.

The house we bought had two beautiful fireplaces that were clearly long in disuse.  We found out later that they were coal burning fireplaces, completely unsuitable for wood fires.

Nuts.

Last week we asked a contractor to come and give us an estimate for installing a gas burning fireplace in the hearth space.  Steve went home from work early on Monday to meet the contractor at 3:00p.m.

When I got home from work at five, the contractor’s van was still there.  Grandma’s truck was still there.  There was no sign of life from outside. What was going on?

As I parked the car I saw a man coming out of the house carrying a long sinister looking piece of hooked steel rod.  Oh no!  He’s murdered my family, is robbing the house, and when I step inside, he’s going to kill me too!

No, wait.  If I were going to lead a life of murder and robbery, I probably wouldn’t put my name in big gold letters on the side of my red utility van. 

I went inside to find the man and my Steve bent over the hearth wearing dust masks and working with a shop vac and several reaching tools.  The vacuum was whirring and dust was flying.

I tried to gesture to Steve with the universal sign for, “If you want to go to Tae Kwon Do tonight, you need to start eating supper soon.” 

I found Grandma and the kids and the very concerned dog holed up in Julia’s room upstairs.  We let Grandma go home, canceled Tae Kwon Do practice for the night, and had a picnic supper upstairs out of the dust.

Steve later explained that the contractor wanted to make sure the chimney could be cleared out before he gave us a quotation for the work.  They found newspaper from 1958, straw, bird skeletons, and a few, inch long, fat, happy meal worms.  Charming.

We plan to have a gas fueled fireplace installed in the next few weeks.

Where does this stuff come from?

I tucked Paul in bed, turned out the light, and put my hand on the door knob.

"Mom?"

"Yes, Paul."

"If I become President,  (pause) I'm going to build a little house next to the White House made of Legos.  It would be my quiet, all alone spot."  

"That's a good idea Paul.  Good night."

Nathan's moving

Nathan is about 3 1/2 months old.  I forgot just how quickly babies start becoming deliberate in their movements.  Last weekend I noticed him, not just batting at things, but grabbing them.  He was sitting in my lap during lunch time, and the next thing I knew he had a Rubbermaid lid in his grip.

Today I had him on his belly and his flailings included pushing his legs down so that his tummy caught air and he shifted position.

Wow.  Time to baby proof the house.

He is also smiling and even giggling at us.

Fun stuff from the weekend

Julia woke up Saturday morning excited about the dream she just had.  In it she had studied and successfully became a Jedi.  She went on to defeat General Grievous, which she knows of through Lego Star Wars cartoons.

The same morning, Paul had an interesting dream to share too.  "I was running away from some bad guys.  I jumped in a get-away car.  After it started to go, I looked to see who was driving.  It was Petra!  She was too little to drive, so I moved her out of the seat, (because I hadn't buckled my seat belt yet) and then I drove the get-away car."

We talked about fun dreams for a little while and then Steve suggested that the local high school ought to offer Jedi track classes.  We all agreed that would be pretty cool.

Saturday morning Paul and Steve went to Paul's first Pinewood Derby race.  They built a car that looked like a Wii remote.  Paul didn't win any prizes, but he and Steve both learned some construction lessons.  Paul - look at power tools when you use them. Steve - let the paint cure longer before trying to add clear coat.

While the boys were out (or napping) Julia, Petra and I had some spa time.  We made a sugar scrub and had a foot soak.

The closet under the stairs

I've joined a group of old and new friends to engage in 7, month long modified fasts this year, with goals of growing closer to God, growing more engaged in helping the poor, and lifestyle simplification.  October's fast will be focused on possessions.  Here is a snapshot of why October is going to be big, important, hard, and revealing for me.

Over the weekend, Steve searched the deep and hidden places in our house trying to find some speaker cable so that he could wire up the new speakers he got for his birthday.  He knows we have a spool of it somewhere in the house.  That place has not yet been discovered, and he borrowed some cable from his folks.

One of the places Steve looked was the closet under our stairs.  No cable, but he did excavate our high chair for Nathan, a large tub of items that had clearly been thrown together and stuffed in the closet to hide, and a foam rubber hopscotch pad.  The closet is still full.

The tub of items included junk (leftover wrapping paper tube), stuff I was looking for last summer (travel bottles for shampoo), and stuff I should have been looking for last summer (duffel bags) but that we have so many spare of that I didn't even miss.  There were also ribbons, a broken straw hat, old tennis balls... I almost wept as I went over the stuff.

I may need an intervention for the Possessions fast.

On the lighter side:

The hopscotch pad is topped with a picture of a butterfly.  It is big and smiley, with a green body, bright yellow wings, and red hearts.  Petra found it, picked it up, and her whole face glowed.  I don't believe she remembered it from before its closet internment, and she was purely delighted with this big thing.  She called me excitedly to look at it.  "Mommy, it's so beautiful.  It's like me!"

Yes, Petra Grace.  You are at least as beautiful and delightful as the butterfly.

Steve's Birthday

On Friday, my wonderful husband celebrated his birthday.  What does your birthday look like when you are the father of four children ages 8 and under?

After Steve and the kids came home from work and school, we had dinner at our home with his parents.

Steve asked for a cookie cake, which I bought from mall.  It was decorated with “Happy Birthday Steve” and was almost in pristine condition at supper time.  (Earlier in the day I heard Petra announce from the dining room, “Mommy, the frosting is delicious!”) 

He also asked for BBQ beef brisket and au gratin potatoes, which I made. Dinner was peppered with reminders to the children that they would not get cookie cake if they did not eat their supper.

For his birthday, Steve got a bacon scented candle, a grill cover, and some more speakers for our entertainment center.  He had to go on a 38 clue scavenger hunt (1 clue for each year of his life) to find the speakers.  Each clue tied in to something from that year of his life, and the hunt had him searching all over the house.  There may be reparations.  Paul and Julia had a lot of fun with the scavenger hunt at first, but eventually, even they lost interest.  I was able to get some dishes cleaned and feed the baby while they were looking.

We ended the evening by watching an episode of “Rocky & Bullwinkle” and then tucking the children in bed.

Happy birthday, my love.

Nathan's Baptism

On Sunday, Nathan was baptized.  Both sets of grandparents came and we made a big deal out of it.    

I'm happy to report that Nathan did not scream or cry for his baptism.  In fact, he slept through it.  And what did he think of all the fuss?

I believe he and Petra were a little worn out by it.

Julia's likes

Julia showed me this document and explained that it was a list of her likes.

Just in case you need a little translation, she likes
Pizza - cheese type
marshmallows
cookies - snowman type
She likes to BE chilly. (She does not like chili)
macaroni (as long as it is Kraft)
banana slices

All clear?

Pausing to ask for directions

I am in the middle of a one year sabbatical from my usual service ministry or volunteer opportunities.  This rest is partly because of adding a 4th child to our home via major abdominal surgery and partly because of July 2011.

In July 2011 I got to be part of a short term mission trip, which I love, loved, and hope to be a part of again in the future.  I have worked on this project before and it is always busy, crazy and awesome to see God at work.  The mission trip includes teaching English as a second language, so it requires many hours of lesson preparation ahead of time.

Near the end of the trip, a friend and I meditated on a devotional by Oswald Chambers which gave me this challenge.  If any work I set my hand to, no matter how noble or lofty the cause, is not the work God calls me to do, then it is not pleasing to God.

This challenge came to me after a solid week of being 100% "on" for 18 hours a day, after a couple of months of being very, very busy preparing, plus leading a MOPS group, plus regular day to day life as a mother and part time professional.

It occurred to me that MAYBE God didn't intend for me to be that busy.

Even if I could justify being really busy (for God), even if I could rationalize any hits to my hygiene, health, and housekeeping as sacrificial offerings to the Lord, I could not justify the neglect to my children that came each time I was in a time pinch.  I am pretty sure that my children are my first mission field and primary God given responsibility.  If I am so busy that I have to let bad behavior slide because I do not have time to address it, then I am TOO BUSY.  If I am so busy that I can't be available to them, talk to them, and let the gospel spill into their lives as a natural part of my life, then I am TOO BUSY.

But what to pare out?  I want my children to see their parents reaching out and being involved in church and community.  I felt like the only way I could assess where I should be investing my time was to pull out of everything and spend time in prayer and self-inspection. I was also curious to see what my house and homelife would look like if I really gave it priority.  I needed a year to wrap up commitments I had already made, so my sabbatical is to go from August 2012 to August 2013.

Confession: so far "prayer and self-inspection" has not been consistent, deliberate, or organized.  I'm working on that.  a friend's timing in inviting me to be a part of a set of modified fasts, with a goal of simplification, a focus on God, and a support group seems like a divine appointment.

I am hopeful that this 7 Experiment will be a tool to help me focus and seek direction.  My normal mode of operation is to launch into some project and then say, "Oh, and Lord... um please bless this."  So as I prepare for 7...
"Lord, please meet me here.  Please bless this.  Let me seek your face, your will, and your pleasure."